The Story Behind Chubby's Crematorium and Burger Bar

 People have been asking me about the title of my book; Chubby's Crematorium and Burger bar. Well, here is the answer plus the poem in full. Each of the fourteen main poems in the book is introduced with the story behind it. This is Chubby's Story.

This bit of nonsense was written for Aalst Magazine back in 2001. The magazine launched an international poetry competition, and it was one of those where you were given the title and left to get on with it. The fact that it won the Shoestring Award for best poem, I can only put down to the guess that I was the only one daft enough to write a poem entitled Chubby's Crematorium and Burger Bar.

Chubby's Crematorium and Burger Bar

The night was young, the moonlight shone

As I stood beneath the stars

And the smell of freshly roasted flesh

Wafted out from Chubby`s

Burger Bar

I drifted past the ash filled urns

And flowers `In memoria`

And other such respectful things

One finds at crematoria

I`d been there once before you see

Albeit in a different guise

In fact, it was quite recently

Just after my demise

I didn`t know of Chubby`s scam

Hadn`t figured the connection

Between his crematorium

And all-night food concession

But being dead gives one an edge

And heightens one`s perception

And the anger welled inside me

As I considered his deception

The urns I passed contained remains

Of people`s bones and ash

But Chubby kept the fleshy bits

To serve with chips or mash

I didn`t live my life on earth

A good and honest worker

To end up in a shish kebab

Nor in a megaburger

And so, I`d come to settle scores

It got a little grubby

I`m sorry friend, it had to be

I had to kill off Chubby

I took him by his greasy hair

He began to make excuses

So, I boiled him in last night`s fat

And stewed him in his juices

But that is all behind me now

And Chubs and I are partners

Dispensing all night take-aways

Up here in the hereafter

There may not be much substance

To our nouvelle haute cuisine

But ghosts eat very little

And they hate to cause a scene

The reason for their patronage

If only in a wry sense:

Next week we`re opening a bar

When we get our spirit license

Shoestring Award Winner 1st Place Aalst Magazine Dec 2001

Kindle edition  £1.99

 Paperback edition £4.99

Storm Special 3 - Escape

 

Storm Eunice came and went. Trees were blown down, roofs were ripped off (including part of the O2 arena in London) and, tragically, there was loss of life. At least two drivers were killed by debris falling on their vehicles. My heart goes out to their families and friends. Up here, in Cockermouth, north west Cumbria, for once, we escaped. Yesterday was wet and windy, but that's normal up here. The river level has actually dropped. There is a sprinkling of snow on the local low fells but the heaviest snowfalls were to the east of here.

Not quite the excitement we were expecting but it's better to have a warning with no storm,  than a storm with no warning. So, unless something dramatic happens over the next week (always possible these days), this is the end of the storm special. You can keep up with all my blogs by following me on Steve's Nature Plus. I'd love to see you there.

Meanwhile, if the winter weather is getting you down, here is an antidote. Chubby's Crematorium and Burger Bar (and other nonsense) contains 23 poems, guaranteed to raise a smile and maybe the odd belly laugh or two, and as of yesterday it is now available on Kindle for a ridiculously low £1.99 (the paperback is only £4.99). Click on the pic to read the title poem and the explanation behind the weird title.

That's all for now, see you on  Steve's Nature Plus,

Steve

The Predominantly Nature Blog

Camping out in Scotland

The Autumn Equinox is here and the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness is with us once again, up here in the northern hemisphere. This heralds series 14 of the blog and I'm wondering what to call it. Putting a geographical title, such as Crete or Cumbria, won't work as (covid permitting) this series will not only come from both Crete and Cumbria but quite possibly from other places as well. Even calling it a nature blog is a bit dubious as there will be loads of other interesting stuff besides. So welcome to Series 14 of The Predominantly Nature Blog (from wherever we happen to be).

Grey Seal, Halichoerus grypus, Farne Islands, UK

I say we, because on my proddings and probings under rocks, I am inevitably accompanied by Ishbel, and Jack The Navigator hound. Over the summer we have travelled north to Scotland, south to The Cotswold Hills, and east to Northumberland. There, we travelled out into the North Sea to visit the wonderful wildlife of The Farne Islands, including some magnificent Grey Seals. It's nice to be able to mention a mammal and not to have to say that it's numbers are declining. There are over 100,000 Grey Seals in UK waters and their numbers are increasing by an estimated 6% per year.

Wild Arum, Arum maculatum, Cumbria, UK

While over in Northumberland, we also visited the beautiful Alnwick Garden which includes a fascinating Poison Garden full of deadly plants. This gave me an idea for the plants in this series of the blog. Foraging has become very popular over the past 18 months and in The Good, The Bad, and The Edible, I'll be looking at specific plants such as this one: Arum maculatum, of the ARACEAE family, and known by a variety of names such as Wild arum; Cows and bulls, Devils and angels, Adder's Root and Cuckoopint (to name but a few). It is good in as much as the roots were a traditional source of starch for stiffening clothes; bad because the berries are extremely poisonous; but the well roasted roots can be ground as a substitute for arrowroot, so it also comes under the edible category (though it is still highly toxic if prepared incorrectly). I'm looking forward to investigating a range of common plants throughout the series and delving into their stories.

Sloes come from the Blackthorn bush, Prunus spinosa. Cumbria, UK

Talking of foraging, sloes are in season, so I'll be out and about later on collecting a bagfull from some Blackthorn bushes that I've discovered on my wanderings. It's time to lay down some Sloe Gin for Christmas. I'll continue to put hedgerow recipes up on my other web site, and if you haven't looked at it yet, pop over to Steve's Wild Kitchen and take a gander.

A short excerpt from  Chubby's Crematorium & Burger Bar and other nonsense.

So, what else is new? I have a new book out called Chubby's Crematorium & Burger Bar (see Steve's Books below) which I hope to be reciting from, and generally banging on about, in book shops across Cumbria. Behind the scenes, things are coming to life again in the local theatre with which I am involved so, for my local friends, keep an eye on The Kirkgate Theatre. And over in Lowca, Ishbel's bees which she acquired in June, have settled in well and produced their first 18 jars of delicious coastal honey with the promise of more to come.

That's all for now, but join me next week as we take a trip up the Lancashire canal on a narrowboat. Just off now to book some plane tickets to Crete.

All the best,

Steve

Steve's Books

Chubby's Crematorium & Burger Bar A book of humorous poems to cheer, amuse and entertain your friends with.	£4.99 paperback
The Quick Guide to Creepy-Crawlies All you need to know to identify any type of insect, spider, worm or snail very simply and find out more about it. Yvonne: This was a gift for a family so that the children can understand what they see on days out. The second was for me. Logical and easy to use. If you know anyone who likes nature you can be confident that gifting this book will give years of pleasure.	£14.99 paperback
The Eggs of Saramova A science fiction novella for those who don't like science fiction. A fast-paced thriller that is, literally, out of this world (and it starts right here in Crete). Too new for reviews yet!	£7.50 paperback £1.99 kindle
Not Just For Twisted Women by Steve Daniels  A light-hearted look at life through the eyes of the fairer sex. Janet: If you are short on time but enjoy reading and are maybe not into long extended novels then Not Just For... Twisted Women provides readers with concise stories that stand alone and most certainly entertain with their ultimate twists. Loved it. Helen: A very good read! Well written and entertaining! Margaret: Each quick tale gives a glimpse into a character's life and has an often humorous twist at the end. I would love to read more. Yvonne: These days many people find it hard to find the time to read a novel, so this book of short stories is ideal to dip into. It is also makes a good gift.	£4.99 paperback £1.99 kindle

See sample pages of all my books and latest blogs, and keep abreast of latest publications here: http://author.to/SteveDaniels

Crete Nature Catch-up
Series 1 - Welcome to Lasithi	Series 2 - The Rhythm Of Life	Series 3 - A Journey Begins
Series 4 - The Milonas Valley	Series 5 - This Is Ferma	Series 6 - Upland Villages
Series 7 - The Forty saints	Series 8 - Sunday Strolls	Series 9 -Stormy Weather

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LINKS:

Share your nature thoughts, photos and comments on Naturalists (the facebook page that accompanies this blog)

Explore the region with the #CreteNature interactive Hiking and Nature Map

Cretan Flora Flowers of Crete BIRDS OF CRETE Crete Birding

Greek Butterflies and Moths Aquaworld Aquarium

Visit Greece (National Government Tourist Office)