The Story Behind Chubby's Crematorium and Burger Bar

 People have been asking me about the title of my book; Chubby's Crematorium and Burger bar. Well, here is the answer plus the poem in full. Each of the fourteen main poems in the book is introduced with the story behind it. This is Chubby's Story.

This bit of nonsense was written for Aalst Magazine back in 2001. The magazine launched an international poetry competition, and it was one of those where you were given the title and left to get on with it. The fact that it won the Shoestring Award for best poem, I can only put down to the guess that I was the only one daft enough to write a poem entitled Chubby's Crematorium and Burger Bar.

Chubby's Crematorium and Burger Bar

The night was young, the moonlight shone

As I stood beneath the stars

And the smell of freshly roasted flesh

Wafted out from Chubby`s

Burger Bar

I drifted past the ash filled urns

And flowers `In memoria`

And other such respectful things

One finds at crematoria

I`d been there once before you see

Albeit in a different guise

In fact, it was quite recently

Just after my demise

I didn`t know of Chubby`s scam

Hadn`t figured the connection

Between his crematorium

And all-night food concession

But being dead gives one an edge

And heightens one`s perception

And the anger welled inside me

As I considered his deception

The urns I passed contained remains

Of people`s bones and ash

But Chubby kept the fleshy bits

To serve with chips or mash

I didn`t live my life on earth

A good and honest worker

To end up in a shish kebab

Nor in a megaburger

And so, I`d come to settle scores

It got a little grubby

I`m sorry friend, it had to be

I had to kill off Chubby

I took him by his greasy hair

He began to make excuses

So, I boiled him in last night`s fat

And stewed him in his juices

But that is all behind me now

And Chubs and I are partners

Dispensing all night take-aways

Up here in the hereafter

There may not be much substance

To our nouvelle haute cuisine

But ghosts eat very little

And they hate to cause a scene

The reason for their patronage

If only in a wry sense:

Next week we`re opening a bar

When we get our spirit license

Shoestring Award Winner 1st Place Aalst Magazine Dec 2001

Kindle edition  £1.99

 Paperback edition £4.99

Wythop Woods in Autumn

 

One of the great joys of Autumn is a walk in the woods. On a fine October morning, what can be better than to immerse yourself in the shades of yellow,red, brown and green and the earthy scent of a mixed woodland. Probe around in the moss at the base of a tree and you'll find a host of fascinating fungi. Last Autumn, when we visited Loweswater, I showed you the three main types of fungi that you are likely to come across, the Agarics, Boletes and Brackets. Wythop Woods, at the northern end of Bassenthwaite, has all three, but is particularly rich in Boletes. These tend to be large mushrooms with chunky stems and the underside of the cap is sponge-like as opposed to having gills like the agarics. None of them are deadly and some are really good to eat, so they are a good group to study. I only found Slippery Jacks and Dyeballs (Boletes have fabulous names) whilst I was living in Crete, so most of the British Boletes are new to me.

The Good, The Bad and The Edible

You're probably all familiar with these little pink flowers which grow in great profusion in temperate climes. This particular one is Herb-Robert, named after an 11^th century French Abbot, herbalist and, post-mortem, saint. The majority of flowers in this family are either Cranesbills (Geranium) or Storksbills (Erodium) (Herb-Robert is a Cranesbill). The Geraniums in your garden are actually Pelargoniums (Pelargonium) which, although in the same family, naturally occur in warm temperate or tropical regions of the world.

Herb-Robert is not an edible plant but neither is it poisonous. The reason that it is inedible is that it doesn't taste very nice – not only to us, but also to rabbits and deer apparently. Gardeners have reported that allowing Herb-Robert to grow amongst their veg prevents rabbits and deer from munching on their prize exhibits. Mediaeval herbalists made many claims for its healing properties but modern research has discovered that the leaves can reduce blood sugar levels, so it may come into play in diabetes medications.

As we climb up through the trees we get tantalizing views of the lake below us. A few birds are flitting around, and I can hear a pair of ravens cronking above us, but the only bird that is sitting and posing for a photograph is our friend, the Robin (and I still swear that Ishbel keeps one in her pocket just to keep me happy when the other birds are playing hide-and-seek).

The lack of photogenic birds suddenly pales into insignificance as a Red Squirrel darts up a nearby pine tree. It's great to see one in its natural habitat as they've been driven out of much of England by the introduced Grey Squirrel. The map on the right shows their distribution as recorded by the British Mammals census of 2018.

And now... a bit of a moan about air pollution in Cumbria and a plea to those who are causing it – cyclists! We have some lovely routes around the county which are great for cycling, but they are rather narrow and twisting. Bicycles, in themselves, don't cause any pollution of course, but while you're cycling along, enjoying the scenery and chatting to your mate, the thirty or so cars crawling along at 15mph behind you are belching out exhaust fumes. So, please ride in single file and pull in to one of the many passing spaces to chat, admire the scenery and let the crocodile pass. Thanks.

All the best

Steve

PS There will be no blog for the next couple of weeks as we're off to Crete. See you when we get back.

I hate to remind you, but Christmas is coming. Books make great Christmas presents (and if you order now, you can read them before you wrap them!). The Quick Guide to Creepy-Crawlies, in particular, is ideal for children of all ages, giving them all the stuff they need to know about the world of minibeasts (and maybe giving them a new lifetime interest).

Steve's Books

Clicking on any title below will take you to the relevant Amazon page where you can read the first few pages, then click to buy if you so desire.

Chubby's Crematorium & Burger Bar A book of humorous poems to cheer, amuse and entertain your friends with.
The Quick Guide to Creepy-Crawlies All you need to know to identify any type of insect, spider, worm or snail very simply and find out more about it. Yvonne: This was a gift for a family so that the children can understand what they see on days out. The second was for me. Logical and easy to use. If you know anyone who likes nature you can be confident that gifting this book will give years of pleasure.
The Eggs of Saramova A science fiction novella for those who don't like science fiction. A fast-paced thriller that is, literally, out of this world (and it starts right here in Crete). Too new for reviews yet!
Not Just For Twisted Women by Steve Daniels  A light-hearted look at life through the eyes of the fairer sex. Janet: If you are short on time but enjoy reading and are maybe not into long extended novels then Not Just For... Twisted Women provides readers with concise stories that stand alone and most certainly entertain with their ultimate twists. Loved it. Helen: A very good read! Well written and entertaining! Margaret: Each quick tale gives a glimpse into a character's life and has an often humorous twist at the end. I would love to read more. Yvonne: These days many people find it hard to find the time to read a novel, so this book of short stories is ideal to dip into. It is also makes a good gift.

Where Three Valleys Meet

Let me take you by the hand

To a far and distant land

Where peace and tranquility reign

Where bare winter branches

Form cathedral like arches

And the earth smells of soft winter rain

Where an old olive tree

Beckons quietly to me

Indicating the route I should take

And a bubbling rill

Is beginning to fill

With leaves floating down in her wake

Where silver branched thyme

Beneath redolent pine

Seductively draws me along

As I potter and dawdle

And the warblers warble

Filling the sky with their song

Turning damp logs

And searching for frogs

A scorpion hides from the light

Dreaming her dreams

Or that’s how it seems

As she waits for the falling of night

To where solid rock walls

Cause the water to fall

Amidst lichens of yellow and blue

And a kingfisher darts

As I say from the heart

That the only thing missing

Is you

The Extra Bit

After all the physics, biology and chemistry of the past few weeks I thought I’d give you a bit of a rest with this piece of doggerel. Sometimes, in our close examination of the natural world, we can overlook the sheer beauty of our surroundings. If you’re still looking for a New Years resolution for 2017 (or the original has already fallen by the wayside) then I’d recommend an hour or two each week just being at one with nature. There’s nothing quite like it for recharging the batteries and pushing the everyday niggles of modern life into the background.

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LINKS:

Naturalists (the facebook page that accompanies this blog)

See detailed pictures at http://www.inaturalist.org/login  (search - people-stevedaniels-observations)

The Nature of Crete  (Flipboard Magazine)

Cretan Flora

Flowers of Crete;

BIRDS OF CRETE

Crete Birding

Greek Butterflies and Moths

Aquaworld Aquarium

Visit Greece (National Government Tourist Office)